Getting Started with Forgiveness

If you’re ready to get started with forgiveness, then you know some of the hangups that you struggle to get momentum with. That’s really helpful information. We all get stuck in different places. In my own relationships, my feet sunk into the quicksand keeping me trapped in:

• Being afraid that if I let myself get angry, I’d never stop
• Feeling self-righteous and superior because I wasn’t the one that made the mistake
• Making hurt my identity and using it as the lens I see all interactions through

What’s the common thread through each story of hurt? Forgiveness seems like a simple decision until I’m in their presence and resentment floods back in. Kinda tricky when healing and closeness is the hope, huh?

You want to fix this wedge in the relationship – and quickly. Maybe you’re even shaming yourself because you ‘should’ have forgiven by now.

Unforgiveness creeps in… again; and you feel defeated… again, thinking “I want to forgive and heal the relationship but I’m still so hurt.” Friend, wanting to move forward NOW is normal. But it’s also you rushing the process. And the healing process is essential to forgiveness.

I get it. My go-to is: feel better, faster, like yesterday. But here’s the thing, you’re not doing forgiveness ‘wrong’ when a trigger pops up again. There’s no ‘right’ way to do forgiveness because it’s not a step-by-step guide – it’s a process.

You already did the hard part by choosing forgiveness, you’re just frustrated with the slow process of living out that decision.

No switch flicked on when you made this courageous choice. In fact, nothing changed, except this: instead of letting bitterness run how you show up in your relationship from the shadows, you decided to navigate the situation by healing from hurt together. Pursuing reconciliation*. 

Phewf, that’s brave.

If you’re thinking, “Not me, I’m not sure I’ve made the choice to forgive yet”, that’s what you were doing when you clicked in to read about forgiveness, wasn’t it? Curios of what it would take? If it’s even possible? Friend, it is. You have a larger capacity to experience hurt and betrayal than you give yourself credit for. 👇🏽

At the same time, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. It never should have happened, and now everything seems harder. The responsibility falls on you to heal from something that wasn’t your fault.

When you are in the middle of hurt, trying to forgive, it feels like you’ll never arrive. The moment you’re finally open to the idea of forgiveness, something triggering inevitably follows, causing another crashing wave of bitterness.

The first time I ached for there to be another way besides feeling consistently hurt and angry, you know what I felt? Stuck. Surely there had to be a way to break free from the unending waves, but I kept getting pulled under the tide – grasping for the air that used to come so easily when the water was calm. Did they even care about what they did?

• If you’ve thought, “Why can’t I just let this go?” 👇🏽 this is all typical:
  Trust is shaky, leaving you questioning and hypervigilant.
• Obsessively, you analyze every detail of what happened, ruminating on the harm inflicted.
• The blame and shame game is strong.
• You subtly punish them for their mistake through withdrawing, silence, verbal jabs, etc.
• “Forgiveness sets you free”, or some other quotable phrase makes you roll your eyes.

Yup, been there 🙋🏽‍♀️ Asking the question, “Why can’t I let this go?” is you being hard on yourself. If you knew the answer by now, you would have taken action. So maybe you need support and this journey wasn’t meant to be done alone. Maybe you’re not even stuck on what you thought you were. Nurturing a new perspective is the first step in getting started with forgiveness.

If you’re struggling with resentment, confusion and anger, can I validate that however you feel about their actions is allowed? Even if no one has told you that it was a big deal, you wouldn’t be here if it that was true. Impact lingers and creeps into the details of your life. You are courageous for wanting to move in a new direction.

Forgiving doesn’t make what they did okay, it brings freedom for YOU through the process of healing. You’re in the right place.

To get started with forgiveness, most of my clients come in thinking they need a new tip or strategy for how to do something. However, almost always the takeaway from a session is a mindset shift — not a strategy.

If you’ve tried alllll the tips you’ve read about and continue to feel frustrated, a new way of thinking is the key to unlocking what you really want.

Pssssttt… this blog included a few mindset shifts of it’s own!

Common beliefs around what it means to forgive can actually entrap us in our hurt – holding us back from experiencing the freedom that comes with forgiveness. Let’s set the stage for a journey shaped with healthy beliefs around forgiveness.